How can time-poor parent carers still look after themselves?

‘I have no time for self-care’ is a common refrain from parents of disabled children. Juggling all the needs of your loved one, whilst also navigating the education, health and social care systems can feel like a full time job. But caring for yourself is crucial - if you burnout what will happen then?

Self-care isn’t all yoga classes and spa days. For many parent carers in order to look after themselves properly they need micro-doses of wellbeing activities little and often. But how can you build this into your days when they already seem so full?

In this article I’ll share some ideas for practical wellbeing strategies.


1) Habit stacking

One useful strategy, called ‘habit stacking’, is when you build in positive activities on top of things you do anyway. For example,

• while you’re brushing your teeth think of 3 things you’re grateful for (this can be as small as food in the fridge, the clothes you are wearing, a smile from a stranger)

• while waiting for the kettle to boil take some deep breaths using the 4-7-8 technique (breathe in for the count of 4, hold for the count of 7 and exhale for the count of 8)

• while going to the bathroom have a picture in there that makes you smile

• while drinking a cup of tea or other drink be mindful of really savouring the taste

2) Self-care can mean different things at different times

Self care may be booking yourself a doctor’s appointment for a recurrent headache, stretches each morning to alleviate back problems or tightness in your body as well as reaching out to friends and family. It may also be saying ‘no’ to other demands on your time that are not your priority. At times of overwhelm it may even be locking yourself in the loo to have a cry or scream that is most helpful.

Different things may help at different times. And sometimes strategies that used to work are no longer helpful so we need to find something new to help us. Looking after ourselves is a lifetime endeavour with peaks and troughs along the way.


3) Changing and broadening our perspective

Often when we can’t change the world around us what we have left is changing our attitude towards our situation. For example, if you have a tendency to be self-critical or perfectionist, developing a more self-compassionate approach to yourself can help. Rather than saying ‘you messed that up’ when something goes wrong, it is preferable to speak to ourselves the way we would a good friend ‘ok so that didn’t go how you wanted it to but you now know how to do it differently next time’. Dr Kristin Neff has written extensively about self-compassion and has a useful meditation for caregivers here.

Connecting with nature and noticing things around us is also key to wellbeing. The important thing is to really savour the moment, rather than just march ahead with your mind solely focused on your to-do list. A mindful walk – noticing the blossom on the trees, watching a bee on the lavender or appreciating the formation of the clouds can calm your nervous system. If it’s hard for you to get out of the house you can try to bring nature into your home by following these tips from Mind. Even having houseplants is shown to benefit our wellbeing.

It can take time to develop new habits and different perspectives but practising little and often can help. Here are some examples of how parent carers have brought these practises into their own life in a meaningful way:

‘I might take the dogs and pick some blackberries and just notice what's around me… keeping in the moment. Can't change your past, you can't dictate the future. This is the only thing I can influence.’

‘Whenever [daughter] is hospitalised and things aren't good, I try and get someone to come and sit with her and I go and do a lap outside of the hospital, itsreally good, just being outside, breathing and giving myself time to think and walk, I find that really, really helpful. Being outside and being able to walk away from the situation for a bit of a breather, a bit of breathing space is really helpful for me.’


4) Recognise your own self-worth

Finally, a key aspect of self-care for carers is recognising some of the psychological barriers or the unhelpful messages we receive from society. For example, some people feel that it’s selfish to think about themselves which can mean that our own needs always come last. Rhetoric about carers being ‘angels’ can actually deny the reality of many peoples’ lives. And sometimes individuals believe that others are coping better than them and they are somehow ‘failing’ if they ask for support. It may help to be aware that carers in general are at risk of poorer mental health, and that it’s not just you that sometimes struggles. I will discuss these risks to parent carer mental health further in my next article.

Dr Joanna Griffin is a parent carer, Counselling Psychologist and Assistant Professor at the University of Warwick. She runs the website www.affinitiyhub.uk which signposts to emotional support for parent carers and is the author of Day by Day: Emotional Wellbeing in Parents of Disabled Children is based on her personal and professional experience.

Further information:

Griffin, J. (2023) Emotional wellbeing presentation, Parent Carer Wellbeing conference.

Griffin, J. & Gore, N. (2023) ‘Different things at different times’: Wellbeing strategies and processes identified by parents of children who have an intellectual disability or who are autistic, or both

Marriott, H. (2003) The Selfish Pig’s Guide to Caring: How to cope with the emotional and practical aspects of caring for someone.

Wincer, P. (2020) Tender: The Imperfect art of caring.