Demand avoidance and autism

Demand avoidance is generally considered to be part of autism. You will sometimes see it referred to as PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance), although very few people get formally diagnosed with this as yet.

Demand avoidance is rooted in anxiety. A demand avoidant person will need to feel in control of every aspect of their life. Allowing someone else to take control makes life feel unpredictable, which causes huge anxiety.

Demand avoidant people may appear to be more sociable than many autistic people, but this is often down to a need to control conversations, especially with people they don’t know, who may make unexpected demands of them.

They may spend a lot more time in fantasy worlds or acting as characters.

These both represent typical “demand avoidant masks”, worn as a way to stay in control and guard against others taking control.

Many demand-avoidant adults (and young people) prefer to use a strengths-based phrase, such as “autonomy seeking” to describe themselves. PDA becomes ‘Persistent Drive for Autonomy’.


What helps?

A demand avoidant child can spot a demand from a mile off! However, this doesn’t mean that we can’t have any expectations, but we do have to respect their need to retain some control.

Offer choices. Often giving two choices, both of which you are happy for your child to do, can allow them to have a sense of control, but still get the task done. For example, do you want to turn the tap on first or put the toothpaste on first?

Wonder out loud. This makes a demand feel less direct. For example, I wonder where the shopping bags are? It would be great if someone could help.

Sow the seed and leave- plant an idea of the activity and then leave the idea “dangling” for a while. They may come back to it in their own time. For example- I’m going to leave your clothes for today here.

Use competition. For example – I reckon I’ll be able to do this before you.

Place them as the expert. I know you know a lot about X- probably more than me.

Be honest and use humour. This diffuses situations quickly.

Direct when you’re doing. It’s much easier to slip requests/ideas in whilst you are doing something, than if you are face-to-face and “expectant”.

Defer to a higher authority. For example- The police have a rule that we have to wear seatbelts

Be flexible. Be prepared to scale back what you do or expect. Listen to your child’s ideas and incorporate them where you can. Be willing to change!

Sadie Gillett is a thought leader in neurodivergence, with a focus on autism. She has 25 years’ experience working with autistic young people, their families, and their schools.