Celebrating the positives

Seeing the bigger picture

In the previous article we looked at some of the risks to parent carer mental health. Dealing with negatives is not the whole story for parent carers, though. Previous studies have been critiqued for being overly negative and ableist in nature. Therefore, it’s important that we look at a broader sample of studies.

Many parents report positives in family life, including valuing what is important, and improved and closer family relationships (Hastings & Taunt, 2002; Jess et al., 2017).

In my research into emotional wellbeing in parents of disabled children, those I spoke to reported many positives. I include some examples, and quotes from parents below:


Assertiveness

• ‘I’ve grown. I'm more confident now. I would never have questioned a doctor before… And they are just human and they make mistakes and actually theydon't know everything.’
  

• ‘I've just grown a really thick skin’
  

• ‘[I gained] the confidence as a parent to pick and choose my battles so instead of choosing battles that society was telling me were really important, I could focus more on [son’s] emotional need… Rather than making him like a parrot to say hello when he meets people.’
  

• ‘I'm not afraid of public speaking any more. That was a really big deal for me back then. It'skind of thinking I could. You know my heart broke but I got a backbone.’

Expertise 

• ‘I think now I've got these skills… I probably step in earlier and make it right quicker, so we're not having the unhappiness and I don't feel as anxious about the unhappiness because I pretty much knowI've got more of an idea where it's coming from.’

Inner Strength

• ‘I think I've found inner strength I wouldn't have known I had.’

Motivation or Fighting Spirit

• ‘I don't know if it would be different if she'd been born without disabilities, but she's just such a big motivation to do everything in life.’

Skills – transferable across life domains

• ‘[Knowing] that many many many hours of research and reading up and trying to find the information paid off because you know that is actually a skill that I realise I have.’

Putting Things into Perspective

• ‘I no longer sweat the small stuff.’
  ‘[I’m] a lot more appreciative of smaller things.'

Not always a smooth path

That is not to suggest the journey to identifying positives is an easy one. The challenges many families face can be painful, exhausting and ongoing. Transformation is complex and we may experience positive change but not necessarily feel ‘happier’. Having some time and space (a luxury for many parent carers I know) to consider where you are in your life and to take stock can help. This can be with a good friend or if you feel you need professional support you can find help through different routes such as your GP (NHS Talking Therapies), Mind, Samaritans or organisations or private practitioners listed on Affinityhub.